When Reactionary isn't Negative

In many domains of self-improvement or psychology and based on the observation of personal actions, we are constantly reminded of the negative effects that result when we fail to control behavior. Indeed, in between the time of stimulus and response, when there is little or no pause to consider consequences, we often find ourselves in a state of regret in the moments that follow. Most of us have experienced the negative results of reacting without consideration… When we say hurtful words from a defensive place, when we jump to conclusions, take irresponsible action without knowing all the details, or when we overindulge in unhealthy foods or substances… So, the overarching popular message of self-development is that it is better to practice constraint, wait, prolong gratification, and be patient. Years of research supports the notion that low impulse control can lead to destructive behavior. And while restraint/control is generally beneficial to practice, it isn't necessarily the right choice in every moment.

The times when reactionary is beneficial is most easily understood when we consider a moment of danger in which there is no time to think. In these moments, relying on instinct is what saves many from harm, such as when you yank a child back away from the curb as a car whizzes by. However, there are other times when allowing impulses to take control can be in our best interest as well.

For those that are well practiced in constraint, the threat of hiding your truth entirely from those around you can increase as time passes. In my family, it was ingrained in us that, as children, we didn't know what we were talking about and therefore, our opinions and desires were invalid. Of course, I grew up internalizing that what I had to say was invalid and did not speak much as a result, unless I was comfortable in the dynamic. And then, when I did speak, it was from a place of accommodation, meaning I was an agreeable conversationalist and strove to highlight the aspects or thoughts of those in the group other than myself, especially when my desires or thoughts contradicted theirs. Even if I knew you were wrong, I would stand in encouragement of your thoughts without being controversial. As years passed, though my patience for the opinions of others and my practice of allowance remained, I realized that, because I was so accommodating, they had a totally different opinion of me than who I really was. I had perfected the practice of allowance and restraint in the threat of probable conflict so much that I failed to show who I was entirely. As you may have guessed, what I really think and feel is not that popular, especially with those I was surrounded by and where I came from. Pair that with a desire to avoid pointless debate, a heightened sense of intuition and logic, and you have someone with a lot to say and not many around to say it to. When I finally reached the place where I could no longer remain silent, especially in the face of injustice or disrespect, being reactionary became my friend. I say this because it was only when I allowed myself to be reactive that I found my foot on the path to freedom.

I didn't realize what I had been doing to myself across the years. Being punished for being different will most always lead one to refrain from sharing truth when it provokes unwanted consequences. Because I was misunderstood, I developed a desire to understand everybody. But, because I was over-giving what I wanted to receive from others, it led me to having little boundaries for when others needed a target to dump their pain on. I remained allowing of their issues, especially when there was just a fraction of possibility for love. It was only when I was reactive, when my emotions took over and I said what I really thought, that I learned I was servicing my own self-sabotage by hiding my truth. I was setting up the space to be further misunderstood by portraying the lie that I was always sweet and agreeable rather than the warrior I felt like on the inside. By over-participating in "proper" behaviors, I became a product of detrimental conditioning.

I remember the first time I was reactive. I spit harsh words to a guy (yes, he was being an ass) that I never would have dreamed of saying to anyone. Though I felt I could have handled the situation better, I still laugh at the memory. Right after I said what I thought, though rather harsh, I only felt satisfaction and a sense of pride for finally standing up for myself. The idea that I had disrespected myself and others by not telling my truth was only realized upon later reflection.

All things that are repressed, eventually surface…sometimes explosively and sometimes smoothly. If you deny any aspect of the self, it will find a way to eventually dominate behavior. Just as we can be over-reactive, we can also be under-reactive. Sometimes you just need to say what needs to be said. Giving clues or subtle hints does not always work when a shout is the only way to get someone's attention. I think for those of us who practice restraint too much, it is a state of emergency to make the selfish hear you. Many of the self-indulged do not hear you unless you speak their language. I would suggest trying to communicate in a more appropriate manner first, of course. But, this idea that one should never be reactive is often supported by those who are still trying to become a better human by denying essential parts of being human.

I will advise that since you cannot constantly restrain or deny the side of yourself that isn't always agreeable without negative results, the most plausible method would be to unite aspects and train to better manage the self. There are times when being reactionary creates a path to change that we were seeking but were never brave enough to take under tolerable circumstances. In this case, we can use reactionary moments as a means to break unwanted patterns. If you are deliberately reactionary, perhaps it isn't all that reactionary... but hopefully, you get me. However, even though the storm is sometimes what is needed for our truth to release, there still must be a certain level of management so the aftereffects do not cause more destruction than the oppression did. Either way, self-awareness and reactive training can be beneficial to regain stability more quickly in the aftermath. By becoming better at analyzing emotions and behaviors authentically, we can better understand when we are over or under-indulging. Though reactive training is most often used in the context of physical conditioning, you can apply the idea to mental, emotional, and behavioral agility. When to be reactionary and when to practice impulse control may be best learned through experience, but one can certainly strengthen the management of such by practicing constraint in areas where they have difficulty over-indulging and being more open in areas where they could let loose a little more. By directing the internal flow (produced force) or pause (reduced force), analyzing results, and altering if needed, one becomes a more effective manager of a system (the self) that works best when balanced.

#reactionary #balance #psychology #selfcontrol #impulsecontrol #reactivetraining