If you are one who seeks depth and authenticity in life maybe you eventually reach an awareness that what you desire often does not and/or cannot exist in the place where most people are. And if you are one who has attempted but cannot find where you fit, then you reach a point in life where you just stop giving a fuck whether you do. Upon reflection, if you are like me and have grown to understand and accept the rarity of your mind and emotions, it no longer makes sense to even attempt to draw respect, connection, or reward from a society that isn't focused on or dismisses what you deem important to begin with.
In a place where the shallow and corrupt are crowned, even if you learn the trade, become an expert at hiding your truth, and win at their game, there is no satisfaction when they finally grant you your star. So, you may be knighted or crowned—earning your place as one of the "in crowd", but what is it really representing? For doing what is expected or promised maybe, but not always for being who you really are. And many would say, we all must compromise to make ends meet. And while I would agree that can be the case at times in life, it depends on how much and for how long. Can you still reach for your dream while you compromise or alter a plan, but keep the end goal? Is the compromise temporary until you learn what you needed to? Sometimes, compromise becomes a new way of life if it carries on so long that we forget that we never meant it to dominate. Conforming to compromise can lead to a damaged spirit. In the past, I had spent so much time attempting to alter my free spirit to fit in because of my willingness to experience diversity and my openness to compromise, that I forgot at times that I did not even want the same type of crown that everyone was striving for.
Even if you are labeled as a desired member of the team, the reward may not feel like much of a reward unless you respect who has deemed you worthy enough to receive it. If you can imagine or may have experienced, it is much like being granted a seal of approval from someone who has never seen the extent of what you can really do. Is it just for pleasing those who gave it?. Basically, I am receiving an award for showing you what you wanted and for performing a job as I was told. It isn't necessarily a reflection of me expressing my true abilities, but how much I checked off on your requirements. I'm not saying that is entirely a negative thing if it aligns with a personal goal. However, as I am being awarded for my work requirements, inside I feel as if I am lowering my standards in comparison to what secretly wish to be recognized for.
An interesting additional thought…well, to me anyway, is that I don't consider a lot of the things a skill that others have praised me for doing. I've labeled them as more of a requirement. Maybe because I judge many praised skills to be a basic part of responsibility in an adequate life. Getting a reward for an intellectual breakthrough or creative project, having unique insight, or helping others in need, makes sense to me. However, gaining recognition for being compliant or performing job skills I was hired to do, does not derive a sense of personal accomplishment. For me, I've simply completed an assigned task or specific responsibility and yet, I am supposed to feel elation when authority deems it an achievement.
Others have praised me for raising "good" kids—granted me a pat on the back because my children are accomplishers—"productive" members of society. Many are confused when I reveal that I was an unconventional parent that taught them about critical evaluation, consideration of others, that performance achievement wasn't all there was to life, and to simply do your best while seeking a path that feeds your individual joy no matter what others say. Basically, all the valuable things I had to learn through trial and error. I didn't focus on obedience and acceptance or much that the norm values applaud, including my family. I taught them self-understanding strategies—that they were too important to make decisions that hindered their path of authenticity. When this is the focus, we know that sometimes this looks like conformity and sometimes it looks like rebellion. Being productive in finding the life meant for you is more important to me. And despite what the conformist cheerleaders may claim, will draw more satisfaction in the end than climbing the same ladder as everyone else.
There are times when the ways of society—with corruption and competition in the lead— weighed on me almost enough to break my spirit. Filled with those who use others for their kindness and trust just to get ahead. People that love you only because you checked off the surface items on their list and not because you gave of your heart to make the world better. Perhaps I romanticize possibility too much, but I don't care. It is the type of crown I really want. Otherwise, I am perfectly okay with making my own.
I cannot care about being given a crown for making it to the top in a world that prides itself on achieving power and profit at the cost of compassion and unity. Would it matter if you are recognized in this kind of world? Sometimes we must ask ourselves, who are we actually trying to be accepted by… and more importantly, why? After the condemnation I experienced from certain family members, I realized that those I had been struggling for years to please didn't even possess admirable characteristics to begin with. And there I was, wasting years trying to gain approval from those I would never in a million years seek advice from. Sure, I appreciate recognition and love, but it doesn't matter unless it comes from a source that I value and for reasons I care about.
If you are praised by a corrupt corporation, I wonder if the cost is worth the praise for some. Does it bother others as much as me if the only reason you get a prize is because you sold your dignity...your dream...or you pretended to be lesser to stroke the ego of the boss? If this is the case, you may want to reconsider the type of crown you are striving for. Because, one thing we realize the longer we stand in shallow company, is that the surface dwellers are only loyal as long as you serve their needs. When there is no depth, praise from the fickle diminishes as quickly as it comes. Those who find you pleasing one day, will find you inadequate another, especially if you let it leak out that you are more they want you to be. There is always someone who is out to destroy a hero so letting your worth be determined by the crown you are assigned also leaves you at the disposal of the ones who granted it to you. Whereas, living with honor and working towards the unique crown you really want will grant you something more important than public acceptance. When this occurs, the glitter you achieve is represented by the core of who you are and is thus rooted in substance that cannot be diminished regardless of whether others praise you or not.
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