I have always felt different than the people I grew up around, especially my immediate family. My "difference" was evident in the way I related to the world from childhood on and followed me well into other domains as I grew older. My mother even expressed her longstanding confusion as to why I was so different as she neared her demise. It wasn't that I was an extreme deviation, at least in my view. It was just that they didn't seem to have the insight nor depth of curiosity, openness, or desire for connection as I did. As a result, I was deemed as the odd one, which turned into me being labeled as the black sheep and then lone wolf in later years.
Despite feeling separated, being a dreamer and romantic, I tried to connect to my family in ways that they were not interested in reflecting. Also being sensitive and timid in nature, I often made excuses for their lack of interest in my life well into adulthood and even attempted to keep them as a priority in my own after I moved away in search of knowledge and adventure. Though I accepted that it was just the way things were, I couldn't help but get excited when they would occasionally pop into my life again, believing them when they said they wanted things to be different, only to find them retreating again not too long after.
Over the years, there would be the occasional happy birthday from them across the years, I eventually stopped sending birthday cards etc. One year, my sibling happened to be around me near my birthday and bought a small ring for me on my birthday. I think I was in my early 20s. It was such a precious gesture to me as I thought it represented a change in keeping distance between us--that he finally wanted to prioritize a relationship, but it was just part of another cycle. Still, I have kept the ring to this day--missing stones and all.
The differential degree of interest in the world of my siblings manifested in different ways also. I realized that they never had any pictures of me or my kids in their home, despite that I had at least two or more hung in my own home of them and theirs. I also noticed that though I often made it a priority to travel and see them, the gesture was not reciprocated. I continued to make excuses for their lack of involvement in my life until I learned that they often traveled to destinations near my home, without any intention of telling me or stopping by while on holiday.
Don't get me wrong, when the rare motivation to connect hit them over the years, they did so at their convenience. I did receive assistance from a sibling after he had a dream of my car breaking down and we had one generous Christmas together after my mother died. Whether these out-of-the-blue gestures were motivated by guilt-avoidance or altruism, I don't know. I didn't really consider those times as a turning point of interest because of their random occurrence, but I was grateful nonetheless. It could also be that rescuing or gift-giving was my sibling's love language, but those gestures made me feel as if it was more about showing that he had the means to give rather than him just wanting a sustainable relationship.
Though there were moments with this particular sibling in adulthood where I thought we were finally starting to connect like I wanted, I feel now it was based more on his realization that I could understand him and his growth, rather than to rebuild what was lost. He still shared no interest in my dreams despite my encouragement and inquiries of his own. Intuitively, I think he made himself more available when things weren't going so well in other domains and used me as a supportive distraction...or he was just bored. I am not offended by it any longer, but it becomes less satisfying over time when others are only interested in you for how you make them feel and not because of genuine interest and care. If this is the motivation driving their behavior, they will disappear when they no longer feel they need you. And like usual, the contact with my sibling faded again, and I no longer heard from him after a disagreement over the phone.
Given the history and lack of interest in sustaining a relationship in the past, I no longer possess the motivation to chase family and convince them to remain a part of my life. I just feel like my efforts are worth something more being returned. If all it took was a disagreement for my sibling to revert to old fickle behaviors, then the investment to connect wasn't that strong to begin with despite my ebb and flow of hope over the years.
Even though I had successfully managed to establish the depth of connection I desired with my own children, my attempts over the years at getting closer to my immediate family just failed to take root. Upon their gradual disappearance from my life, I have no regrets, for I feel I did my best in my attempts to connect to those who just didn't feel the same. This pattern of loving and seeing people more than they do me has worn on me over the years, but working relationships are not really working when they are one-sided. Now that I seek quality connections in my life, I am happier without having to manage the inauthenticity. People show you when you are valuable to them and they will do so consistently if you are a priority. Sometimes, despite how we feel about others, our different vibes, views, or priorities lead to endings we never wanted.
I cannot deny that it would have been nice in this lifetime to be a part of a family that took held a genuine interest and support for each other and wanted to nurture connection. However, after years of efforting, I am incapable of sacrificing my well-being in exchange for unsolicited love, family or not. For many of us "black sheep," though we have done our best to accept family for being different than us, we aren't often returned this same acceptance. When this occurs, it is important to embrace the truth and remain proud of being different instead of pursuing a desire that stays out of reach.
With the results of my own experience, I am forced to acknowledge the importance of investing in those who make you a priority in their life and will love you, even when they cannot understand you. After years of experiencing fickle interest, shallow connections, and the thinning of my bloodline, I've learned to appreciate the rarity of authentic relationships even more. The connections we longed for can reestablish as members of a different tribe show to fill the empty space family often leaves us with, even if it is later in life than we wish. Because it is based on mutual interest and investment, it has the potential to offer more reward than what we ever desired from those who could not or would not give of their hearts in the same degree that they were given.
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