I’m a life coach…or use to be, until I decided to no longer be a part of another system marinating in manipulation on both sides: counselor and client. I was good at coaching too. My encouraging nature worked for many unless they were trying to bullshit me. If that was the case, I felt as if those types just wanted to be humored. They were wasting my time—saying they wanted a more fulfilling life, but at the same time, only open to hearing what soothed their ego. It wasn't that I didn't try to help them, but after several sessions, it becomes clear who wants change and who wants their powerlessness entertained. If they were going to waste my time with their pretense "please tell me I can fuck over others to get what I want and still be a good person on the right track” game, followed by all the "right" words in attempts to make their coach proud, I often debated that maybe it was fair trade to get paid for it.
Despite their needed approval for their own game, I couldn’t coach this type of person for long. No matter how my dark side thought about just taking their money, I couldn't hold sessions for those who sought validation for their behavior but weren't motivated to grow. Over time, I learned that most of my clients did this.... they would desire knowledge more for guilt-avoidance rather than solidify integrity, strength, and altruism into their being. For example, they wanted credit just for attending class and appearing to be learning rather than because they desired to implement better behavior. It reminded me of hypocritical church members who went to church for ticket to salvation but had no desire to stop the abuse they unleashed on others.
Because of my experience, education, and insight, more than not, I could see through the layers within people... the discrepancies in their words and actions... understanding the pain they did not share. This skill might have given me a deeper look into character development, what people truly wanted, and where they were limited, but it often felt like a curse rather than a skill. I chose to use this ability to help where I could, but people addicted to their personal victimization aren't too fond of someone else pointing out the limitations they're attached to…even when solicited. Change is often longed for, but putting effort towards what works is not wanted, even if the effort eventually leads one to a more harmonious path. My authentic approach didn't seem to fit very well in a quick-fix society.
Years passed and though I always had integrity in my intentions to lead, I couldn't shake the idea that the system I was participating in was turning into just another field that used manipulation for profit. I observed certified healers and speakers “help” others by simply repeating what they learned from their predecessors when I knew they had done zero work on healing the fragments of pain and confusion within. On more than one occasion, even the famous I had come into contact with sold hope and manifestation while doubting the words they spoke with conviction. You can sell anything to someone in need as long as they feel heard, acknowledged, and uplifted. Those skilled at selling alternative or new age free-yourself-from-pain strategies are still profiting big time.
As the enlightenment trend grew, it wasn't surprising that the quest for spiritual evolution would morph into a domain that sought to rationalize the perverted needs of the ego. Mastery concepts became used as excuses for destructive behaviors. "I'm enlightened, so I can treat you however I want." Speaking "truth" went from sharing honestly to an "enlightened" opportunity to dump internal demons onto others. Owning worth became a means to uncompromising entitlement. More than once, I found myself saying, "That is not what that means," when hearing people use enlightenment concepts to justify lower-level behavior. I even witnessed proclaimed life coaches profess pride at purposely triggering hurt in others for their "own good," claiming that their role in being an asshole is a necessary part of providing a path to personal evolution because it teaches you what you need to heal. Hmm... getting angry after deliberate provocation is generally a natural reaction, showing me that I don't enjoy being manipulated.
I learned that we are often just revolving in the field...not evolving. Dishonorable practices are still being used to justify irrational actions. Taking courses to become enlightened is the new get-out-of-accountability jail card. It's a replica of the same thing many use church teachings for, now and in the past. Condemnation: persecution: exclusion. Those seeking escape from the trap of old methods of dogmatism by studying alternative paths cannot see that they now put themselves in the same jail cell...just in a different block. Those that once sought escape from religious organizations for condemning others and took a risk to move toward a freer understanding are mimicking the same behavior, often criticizing those who don't share their beliefs of the "woke." Religious zealots call the non-believers sinners, and now those that are "unawakened" are labeled sheep or zombies…
Most of the “enlightened” are still participating in our condemning nation, all the while announcing that they are the ones with the answers—the ones evolved. How is it that in claiming enlightenment, but establishing rules for who or who isn't deemed worthy, condemning those that do not agree with what is said, or chastising those that refuse to participate in self-labeled holy processes make one any different than the Hypocrites of Old?
The rules that claim that one cannot do this or that (i.e., eat particular foods, smoke, drink, and blah blah blah…) and still be enlightened are still the same as those that proclaim God cannot bless you if you participate in a list of behaviors categorized as sinful. Funny how it is just different rules depending on the group… As a result, many are still being shunned by the trending newer "higher" consciousness clans, just as many were from the groups that established all the rules that secured an entrance into the promised land. As long as you do what you are told, of course… Those standing in this space have become expressions of what they once hated.
As I observed the edges of an alternative domain that I had once admired for its willingness to break beyond where it stood start to char like the edges of a burned scroll, I backed away. I didn't know where to go; I just knew I could no longer participate in the patterned bullshit before me, and where does that leave anyone but upon the edge of the edge? If I felt like I didn't belong before, I certainly didn't know. I'll pass on the new batch of groupie Kool-Aid, though, and stand alone, refusing to sell out just for a thumbs up or for a space to compete, once again, in a fucked-up game of who is most holy or deemed worthy based on their inclusion in another re-branded dogmatic belief structure.
As is the chance in any domain, perhaps it isn't entirely the fault of the one striving for something better but of the ones feeding false information. We are all products of conditioning until we break free, so how do we know what is true? I realize that much of the issue lies in what is lost in translation paired with the addictions of the ego. Anytime one seeks to interpret something larger than itself, we fail to achieve complete accuracy due to conditioning, and yet, none account for this margin of error when they stand so addicted to their identities. They cling to their fierce proclamations of the new “truths” that they believe have saved them from themselves rather than face their limitations. And yet, hardly any would even interpret their limitations correctly when they are buried by lack of awareness and destructive needs that formulate the mask upon their face.
Despite my judgmental irritation that the hope I had for people to break free existentially had been polluted by the masses, I had to face the realization of my truth. Which was that there is no domain free of group-think poison if an idea sticks around long enough. The teachings…the message, will eventually get twisted with self-justified irrationality until only a fraction of its originality remains. Perhaps it is meant to be that way, so we move on to something new at the appropriate times in our journey. Yet, if I were new to analyzing paradoxical behavior, I would be amazed at how people twist anciently rooted concepts to suit their fucked-up agendas or use them as a mask to stay buried beneath their own lies. Just because we memorize the language doesn't mean we are interpreting it as originally intended. Many in the New Age field talk a good game, just like salesmen in any other domain. This is why I laugh at the hypocritical nature of one attempting to lead others in the church while hitting his wife and condemning others who don't play the same belief game as he does. The hypocrites are still leading, no matter the domain. And yet, as I shake my head at the mockery of honor, I still hope some teachings are a bridge to a greater understanding for some…that at least one resonating concept can lead to a desire to know more- that even the diluted version of reality can spark some to seek a better way.
Perhaps all things are a starting point for something good and I respect the creation of such. And there is certainly multiple benefits to reducing negativity and destructive behaviors. However, the spiritual path I once rooted for no longer satisfied the life I wished to represent. Perhaps it was never meant to do so for long, and I was only meant to dabble in the domain...just enough to know myself better. I must admit that after I let all the enlightenment and deliberate manifesting processes go, I felt freer. No amount of morning affirmations and belief that the desire for some great miracle to shower over humanity during my lifetime were enough to blind me to the shallowness that still dominates reality.
When the artificial light of the enlightened began to spread like a fire out of control, the internal scientist within me took the reigns. Of course, I still enjoy taking risks by diving into new evolutionary strategies or dabbling in theoretical interdimensional concepts. However, when something has worn out its welcome in my life, I acknowledge it, integrate what was learned, and move on. I don't keep on a blindfold and remain bound by destructive beliefs.
I don't mind treading a solo path in belief, as I have for a long time. Keep moving forward, I think as I look down at my feet, balancing on the edge of the cliff I stand on. Context certainly changes the meaning of things. A lack of direction, paired with a desire to disengage, led me here. To the abyss…where nothing is shaped and everything is dark. Don't misunderstand. I am at peace here, for I feel that letting go of what is and stepping into the unknown is the only way to get in touch with who you truly are. There is comfort in standing at the edge...to be done climbing a mountain to worthiness (as determined by another) whose path once seemed endless. But, despite the risk of being lost in the dark, as the artificial light dissipates, I begin to feel that I can finally see.
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