One of the most fascinating things about the physiology of the human body is its ability to undergo homeostasis to maintain balance. In a healthy system, our body cools itself through perspiration when hot and shivers for warmth when cold. It induces flight or fight responses in defensive situations. It seeks to restore chemical imbalances. But, balancing the dualism within isn't just needed within our physiology. It is also needed in our mental and emotional state. Although there are many theories about the benefits of balance in all components of the self, unlike the unconscious processes of our body, few consciously seek strategies to support this process in their personal lives.
Because it takes conscious effort to address our mental and emotional dualism, many fail at balancing those aspects. However, it is vital that we practice behaviors that create emotional and mental balance because when we do not all aspects of the body eventually suffer. Physiological imbalances will also become problematic, and the entire system becomes increasingly at high risk for breaking down entirely.
Just like in our physiology, our mental and emotional state seeks equilibrium. If you are angry, you naturally seek to do something to relieve the anger, whether it is in a destructive or healthy manner. We seek relief from stress in whatever way seems most effective: by drinking alcohol, practicing meditation, exercising, etc. When we are bored, we seek stimulation or excitement; when we are overwhelmed, we long for a break…
I think most people desire harmony or balance. However, the way that harmony is achieved has provided more confusion than clarity, in my opinion. Many believe that making a choice to engage in lighter (positive thoughts/emotions/behaviors) rather than darker (negative thoughts/emotions/behaviors) is all you need to do to achieve a harmonious life. They feel that the side of you that you give attention and power to is the one that grows. Yet, if it were that easy, we would not be knocked over by surprise when that good, controlled, and positive friend or co-worker loses their shit and the one that is always positive occasionally loses at the game of life just like the rest of us.
I am still quite surprised that even in light of the large amount of mental and emotional problems in the world, we still have authors and teachers promoting that we must just choose the light or be positive and it will all work out. A recent conversation with a friend revealed that she believed the darkness should remain in check by just choosing better behavior. Yet, controlling behavior only controls the expression of the darkness and doesn't necessarily understand or transmute it. It is just masking it... pretending. While practicing a behavior is good for developing a new habit, it does little to unravel why we express the dark behavior. Perhaps we don't always have to understand the origin or what influences behavior to change it, but identifying the trigger and dismantling its influence will help repeat it. Bandaid-ing our problems is one reason I feel many are disconnected or compartmentalized in development. Upon further elaboration, my friend claimed that people were inherently evil so darkness should just be contained. I understand that many feel this way, but I do not as I have experienced and witnessed many individuals with larger amounts of empathy and compassion than the average with no desire to act on any "inherent" evil behavior. we know that unhealed--the ignored--the unresolved only gets louder when suppressed and controlled, no matter what you want to believe. In truth, denying and suppressing do nothing but piss off whatever is being controlled, which then attempts to take over the psyche until it becomes destructive.
All suppression, in and outside the self, eventually leads to rebellion. We understand this easily when we consider how enough pressure can make something explode, such as the lid off a pressure cooker or a soda left too long in the freezer. Those who do not feel heard eventually began to scream, sometimes literally and eventually through their behavior. The same occurs within the self. When you suppress anger or pain, it takes on another form and often appears as manipulation, disrespect, passive-aggressiveness, or addiction... And failing to acknowledge these thoughts and emotions because they are labeled as "negative" or unpleasant can lead to more negative and unpleasant behavior rather than less. So, I don't feel it is as simple as choosing to listen to the little angel on one shoulder over the devil on the other, nor is it just about knowing the difference between "good" versus "bad" behaviors.
All emotions at one point serve a purpose, so essentially, none are "bad." While it is easy to notice the benefits of joy and peace, the benefits of anger move you to defend and stand up for yourself. Pain lets us know when something is off or harmful to us, so it motivates us to change something wrong. All emotions can become harmful when they are not regulated or balanced. In the sense that marinating in anger can lead to health problems and unstable relationship connections, the pursuit of joy at all costs can lead one to fail to see the benefit in seeing challenges through or can lead to denial of abuse.
Carl Jung (a Swiss psychologist) characterized the shadow self as the dark part of our personality that is denied expression. When emotions and thoughts are denied, it is simple—the shadow side dominates, and we risk becoming destructive. For example, if you do not acknowledge that you are chronically angry and just keep telling yourself and others that everything is great while denying your emotion, eventually, the lid will blow off the pressure cooker.
I became familiar with early signs of explosive behavior from my work in the psychological field and years of observing the marbled expressions of those on the edge of losing it. The glance of anger or a look of contempt that flashes through the eyes despite the smile and soft response of voiced pleasantries is a flashing red light of an impending explosion. I ask what is wrong. They reply, "nothing…what do you mean…etc." After so many times, it eventually comes out—sometimes accompanied by sobs, screams, or flying objects.
Only through acknowledging these potentially negative aspects, seeking to understand why they are occurring, and making peace with them can we begin to direct them in a healthy way. When you take this step, you are not only bravely admitting that you have some unappealing attributes, as all of us do, but you are also permitting yourself to be imperfectly human. And the act of doing this is rooted in love. What happens when you love and show appreciation of the dark for the strength and insight into the self that it often gives you? It is likely to ease its grip on us a bit. Think of it as hugging the forgotten alter self. Be considerate of your feelings, share your emotions as they arise appropriately, acknowledge states of confusion, let go of things you cannot control, and make balance a priority in your life. When you are overwhelmed, take time to rest; when you are bored, learn something new; when you are happy, do more of what you are doing; when you are sad, nurture yourself or seek where change is needed; when you feel alone, talk to someone. Recognizing and managing rather than suppressing and denying is balance and a gift we should give ourselves for our emotional and mental well-being. After all, the one who should be the first responder to your own life is you.
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