After holiday visits with numerous people of the same blood clan, I was pondering on how much I still hide who I really am from those around me in order to maintain peace. Of course, I am on their turf and not really interested in disrupting unity or being chased away for sharing my opinion. However, I can't help but feel exhausted of it all as I recognize that being shunned or ridiculed is the reason I have kept quiet most of my life. If you are like me, it is a survival behavior you learned in childhood that helps us to avoid trouble. Although useful, it can create more issues when it comes to intimate relationships and friendships. By placing myself in a supportive or encouraging role, people assume I am agreeable until the uncontrolled moment I've let my triggered opposition slip out. Then all hell breaks loose as they realize that I wasn't born to be their constant personal cheerleader like they had imagined I would be. Though it is impossible to continually be amiable in all situations, once if those moments cease in my family, I am often pushed to the sidelines once more.
Of course, there is much that is at fault when regarding the development of a non-troubler… a family emphasis over being more agreeable than honest, not being allowed to express truth, not valuing your personal insight, fearing rejection... Despite the origin of this issue, one resulting problem stands taller than the rest. When truth is oppressed repeatedly, we not only risk burying a part of who we are for good, we also just keep bypassing more opportunities for us to live without restriction. Most everyone experiences this to some degree, but for those that are sensitive to the behavior of others and populate the outer rims of society, I feel it occurs more often than it should.
People have a hard time really understanding why I do not enjoy long holiday gatherings that include hours of surface exchanges unless they can relate to what I am saying. It is just basically me standing around, tightly controlled and supportive while watching my mouth unless I can find an open door in the conversation that will lead to something meaningful. Often, unless it involves a deeper flow of some sort, I have to fight off the flight response so I do not appear impolite.
Some in my family claim they accept me fully, but how can they when I haven't shown them who I am fully and know very well that they are not interested in learning anything beyond their own pre-determined perceptions? They make shallow judgments based on their pre-definitions or what they have heard about me through a third party, which is greatly skewed or twisted towards the dramatic much of the time. Some may have altered their warped view of me over time as they grow to accept their own diversity, but what most mean by acceptance is that they simply tolerate my difference. We all do this in varying degrees, I suppose. Just as I am being tolerated, I often tolerate their absence of respect for the diverse beliefs or lifestyles of others.
In a recent conversation, a family member mentioned that we were raised with the "truth" aspect of religion, but not taught to have grace for others. Immediately my thoughts race… What you think of truth is only what you have been taught as truth, but that doesn't mean it really is it. It is only speculation at best. Yet I keep those thoughts quiet, forcing myself to appear agreeable as usual. The reason I dread revisiting the past threatens to resurface as the conversation on religion expands, but I decide listening is the priority here…in this moment, anyway. By grace, she meant accepting others, but I think the cleverness in the teaching lies in the word chosen. Although used in different ways, grace means showing favor or politeness unless the intended meaning is elaborated upon to demonstrate something different. Regardless, there are still issues with that view if it doesn't include love for others. My thoughts continue… You tolerate others in their difference with politeness, but you don't really accept them. Is that true grace? Though tolerance is seen as a positive thing, I have doubts that it is. In many cases, people tolerating what they don't agree with are simply allowing it without expressing opposition in the moment while still feeling the opposition. So, for me acceptance and tolerance are different. In most dynamics, tolerance could be deemed the lesser of the two. Despite the idea that one shows politeness to others (which we were actually taught to a fault if you gathered from my earlier words), I know that in my extended family, if a member claimed they were gay or bisexual, they would still be judged as wrong. It would then be followed by a good "talking to" and prayers for them to get "right" once more. Maybe if they were still of age, they would be sent to one of the Pray the Gay Away camps. Have you heard of those? Yep. Unbelievable. None of their responses would have anything to do with acceptance and even if a "forbidden" behavior was tolerated for a while, hidden judgments about the abnormal behavior would remain. No matter what word is used to gloss it over, it is what it is.
Those who side-step societal norms in any domain, but have no intention of harming others, are still simply tolerated at most by those who cannot see beyond surface judgments. And one is never truly comfortable or free in the presence of tolerance. It is a different vibe than the energy of being around those who truly love and accept you. Most of those I share a family line with would grant me a tight-lipped smile of masked irritation if I told them how I truly feel about their religion even though I am likely to be one of the kindest and helpful people they know. And though for many years I have lived with this dynamic—showing up and participating in exchange for tolerance, I have decided it is not in my best interest to continue—for them or me. It just isn't…rewarding or even healthy. I go home exhausted, stiff from days of pretending that I am not really the heathen they would classify me as in their short-ranged perceptions. Although I am not gay, there are a number of other reasons my family would classify me as she-who-should-be-exiled. At the age I am now, this humors me to a degree, but it just isn't the life I want. If anything, one should not leave family gatherings feeling like a foreign spectator to a world they are never really seen in. It makes me wonder who else in the same clan is masking their truth simply to be "tolerated." We should form an alliance.
I realized this past year that I really have not had the pleasure of indulging with a group of freethinkers who think along the same wavelength as I do. I am sure this is true of many who would be classified as rare souls. In the past, I monitored words that tended to lead to alienation but to be fair, I have also found that when in situations where there is a high degree of non-acceptance, I alienate to spare myself from untrue shallow judgments or meaningless arguments. It just isn't fun to continually manage or dodge the negative energy of others—on holiday or otherwise. So, either way, being freely yourself or reserved leads to the same result when you are in a mismatched environment. After years of being surrounded by those who fail to understand or who are uninterested in trying, I am quite tired of pretending that simply being tolerated is the best I can be offered. Given that I have granted understanding (too much sometimes) and sought to broaden my perceptions of all that I encounter, I would rather be alone or engage in a world where I am authentically valued. I don't want to tolerate their hypocrisy, so I should not expect them to tolerate my "sins", but I don't want to have to hide who I am either just to keep peace with those who cannot handle diversity. I want to live my preference from here on out and leave others to live theirs. If they want, they can come to my world for a change. After all, I have entertained theirs long enough. In the meantime, Imma stay put in one that wants me for me.
#identitydevelopment #developmentalpsychology #highereducation #authenticity #selfmastery #selfactualization #psychology #empowerment #beyou
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