I love it when the push-over—the doormat—not only finds their importance but also gets a moment to apply their newfound worth or courage toward circumstances/people that made them feel less than what they were. That moment, when the tables turn—when the underdog finally gets his day—is not only satisfying to witness but motivates others who can relate, to find a voice of their own.
There have been many times in life when I never got the chance to stand up to my bullies or speak my truth. Not that I expected the outcome to be glorious if I could, for those desiring any degree of control over others are not generally thrilled by a shift in relationship powerplays. I never got to stand up to the pain that many caused so freely in my past without care of consequence. I grew up in poverty and was pretty much dirty, barefoot, and mostly unsupervised, guided mostly through my emotions and imagination alongside the strict rules of the church. However, I was not viewed or treated in this reality as kindly as I was in my imagination. Starved for affection, I turned into a people-pleaser just to have friends, who I later found would make fun of me along when around my predators. Being disliked and ostracized as a child while living under the rule of narcissistic family members, and well, you can understand why I preferred my imagination to reality. My family didn't communicate much unless it was embedded in criticism or punishment for disobedience.
Ill-treatment from those around me continued through most of my school years until I fought back with the use of knowledge. I was never guided in how to be beautiful or how to take care of myself so in Junior High School, I began to study magazines to help me overcome being teased about my appearance. During that time, I also gain confidence as an athlete to go after what I wanted with or without the approval of others. Perhaps because of my sensitivity and the rejection I experienced throughout my youth, I was more than motivated to learn about human behavior. My study of the self not only helped me to understand why people treat others as they do, but also empowered me to become who I truly was, which was more warrior than I could have ever believed my sensitive soul capable of being.
I never had the power or the words during my childhood to say what I needed to say. As I mentioned, the bullies of old would likely respond in defense or denial than take accountability for their role in abusive dynamics. There have been some opportunities to interact with the old authorities, but depending on where and who, I generally stand controlled and observant in their casual approach to me as if they have no memory of the past. Of course, if they did remember, I am sure it is somehow mentally justified for there is no mention of their old behaviors or choices. For this reason, my disdain for some unfortunately labeled as family, remains hidden. Sometimes this is out of respect for the context and sometimes it is simply because I know that the result of my attempt to clear out the cobwebs of the past would be dissatisfying. Without acknowledgment or understanding on their part, I am certain it would be a waste of my time.
Now that my voice and inner power are aligned, I rarely let a moment pass where I do not stand up for myself if it is needed. Not many try to take advantage of me as much now as in the past, but sometimes I still encounter a narcissist or manipulator seeking their next victim. Even if the assholes in my past never get their due, I enjoy it when someone else's does. I am happy that some of the compassionate are still able to get their moment of assertiveness. Aka Gumption. I hope all who are sensitive and kind find their courage and chance to one day stand up against those who've belittled or cruelly taken from others.
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