Identifying what we want is essential in knowing what to reach for in our lives. It is suggested in many self-help circles to make a list of desired traits in the domain of your focus. We are then to tuck the list away, only to be surprised years later that just about everything we wrote down has appeared in our life. Well-intentioned as it is, creating a vision board or a list of life desires and then putting it out of your mind sadly does not work for everyone. And though it can be healthy to identify what we want so that we give focus to our pursuit, I find it surprising that not many seem to reflect on whether they, as the one wanting, are a match in quality to what they are pursuing where others seem to settle for much less than what they bring to the table despite their desire for more.
When I was younger, I noticed that my relationships, whether it was with a family member, lovers, or friends, followed a pattern of imbalanced reciprocity. In practically all my relationship dynamics, I would alter expectations, try harder, change my approach, and whatever else I could think of to keep a connection strong or lasting for as long as I could, that is until I wore myself out from giving more than I received. In my career, I eagerly took on more responsibilities only for someone else to receive more money and recognition. At times, I did enough work to cover three people, and when they realized I could handle more, I was given even more of an opportunity to prove what a team player I was. Eager to please, I worked 80-hour weeks, and it was only until stress headaches caused my vision to disappear that I realized that I was doing the same thing at work that I did in past relationships. The premise of my behavior stemmed from the idea that if you love something enough, they will eventually see and value you. It took me a while before I realized that was a lie. After all, I was taught that being a team player was an admired quality. Little did I know at the time that my eagerness to take on most of the load was why the tail gaiters wanted to be in my group. Not because they valued my insight and skill but because it was where they could do the least amount of work, both in my career and in relationships.
In the past, I would travel to see many friends and family members, no matter the time and distance, altering my routine with excited hope that my efforts would keep some sort of connection alive, only to have them uninterested in sacrificing the same amount of time for me. Perhaps I valued the connection more than they despite their claims that I was important in their life. They likely didn't realize, as many of us do, that failing to nurture connections eventually causes them to fade. Or perhaps because I was used to giving, they were conditioned to expect me to. This, of course, was as much my fault as theirs.
In light of all the issues that appear in imbalanced dynamics, it is essential to note that people give back in various ways. The problem arises when no form of reciprocity occurs or the ratio to give and take becomes more detrimental to the relationship than beneficial. Because I have reduced my connective effort when there is no reciprocal interpersonal pay-off, I have fewer engagements and connections than I did years before. along with this, I realized that it is quality that counts most. I like that I have learned to make meaningful time for those who think I am also meaningful. The beauty of being rejected despite what you have done for others is that I easily notice and appreciate the rare occasion when people demonstrate the same.
It would be logical to consider that some people like an imbalanced dynamic more. Some seem to feel fulfilled in over-giving, and some are okay with doing as little work as possible in relationships. Many times, over-extensive behavior can be driven by unidentified needs. For example, a hyper-need to feel valued or recognized can lead to taking on more than you should in a situation, as it once did me. You may justify that you are geared just to handle more than others, as I had told myself in the past. However, if that is all that is going on, you will still witness a return on your investment. If one has been deprived of nurturing for an extended period, it can lead them to take more than they should while failing to reciprocate. While this imbalance may work in some co-dependent dynamics for a while, it will not for individuals seeking balanced and harmonious relationships.
In light of reflecting on possible areas of improvement, a mature individual would realize that it is unhealthy to take a greater degree than they are willing to give and would refrain from asking anything from another until they become a match in quality to what they are searching for. Although this is an ideal state of awareness in our self-evolutionary quest, this doesn't happen often. Yet, for those of us who strive to be an authentic representation of what we seek, until we can find the dynamic that nourishes us in the manner that we would do for others, the answer is simply, no.
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