We have all experienced connections that blossomed from a strong foundation but seemed to have lost their pizzazz throughout the course of time. And although there may be many reasons that come to mind when we ponder why a once fulfilling relationship isn't so anymore, confusion that results from inconsistent or fickle behavior before the final parting takes place isn't always easy to understand, much less manage.
I've had more than my share of ended friendships or at least, what I had considered to be a friendship at one time. Perhaps that was the problem—attaching much more value to the relationship than my friends had. I tend to believe that shared laughter, insights, wit, and interests is a testimony to a connection worth sustaining. However, after my numerous and varied social relationships, I have come to realize that while I may be eager to renew faded or lost connections or do whatever it takes to sustain ones I deem valuable, my assigned priority in relationships is not always shared by others. It isn't as is I pretend their feelings for me, for their words often mimic mine…"I miss you….I am calmer when you are around…I will come see you soon…You are the only one who understands me…" It is just that their words are not generally backed by behaviors to substantiate their friendship claims. It took me awhile, but after one-sided visits, well-being inquiries, and disappearing promises, I realized I fit into their life only when convenient regardless of how important they claimed the connection was to them. In the end, you can guess, I was often the one "dismissed" despite my attempts to keep the ship afloat.
So, due to much experience and a heightened sensitivity to another's mood and stresses I developed a keen awareness for knowing the true intentions of a friendship and when pending dismissal is evident. Here are some signs that I discovered to be common among each…
No light in the eyes
When the light of excitement or joy doesn't reach the eyes of your friend when you greet then it is fair to conclude that they do not necessarily feel that happy to see you. One could argue that they may have issues with anxiety or are dealing with a life stressor upon the encounter, but if this is the case, the light should appear while in your presence after familiar friendly energy is ignited between you. If the fake smiles continue, or if shared laughter occurs less and less over time then this could be a sign of a fading connection.
The most recent example of this occurring for me was granted by a long-time friend who I could tell very clearly did not want to engage with me when I showed up to her door. Her polite words did nothing to hide the lack of light or joy in her eyes when she saw me. I chose to ignore the uneasy feeling I felt during the visit and overshadowed it by being my talkative self. After my pressing presence relaxed her enough, glimpses of her fun self seeped through her rigid composure...or maybe it was the effects of the wine, (which is something else to note). If they only enjoy visiting with you while under the influence of a substance, then it is likely the friendship will eventually break. If someone must buffer or numb themselves to be around you, then you probably are not on the same wavelength any longer. Regardless of the reason for my friend's fickle emotional state, I dismissed her lack of luster in seeing me until other signs of dismissal increased…
Coldness or decreased interest in your life
After I left my friend's place on our last visit, our interactions (having already been less frequent), occurred next to nothing. And the interactions that did occur were very blunt or rigid. They could even be defined as cold. The shared thoughts, jokes, or witty texts that once filled my phone became replaced by no/yes, everything's fine, or non-elaborate responses. If this occurs often, it very simply means they don't want to share. Don't get me wrong…I applied every excuse in the book from her being too tired, too busy, etc., but after a while I couldn't ignore that she was just no longer interested in connecting. Even when she had time, she didn’t spill out her life like I did with her as time passed—always claiming that there was nothing to tell. However, upon further observation, I realized that it wasn’t that there was nothing to tell, but that there was just nothing to tell me.
If a self-proclaimed friend also cuts connection with you after a disagreement or misunderstanding without thought or care, it is likely that your relationship wasn't considered worth fighting for. Regardless of how quick the onset, if one's interest in your life has decreased significantly to a disturbing point, it may be time to look for more deeper bonds.
Secrets and lies
When a friend starts being secretive with their plans, thoughts, etc., when they once told you everything, their opinion of you as a knowledge keeper in their life has altered. This is assuming that you have been supportive to their endeavors. Sometimes friends pull back from sharing after being criticized or when we openly disapprove of our friend's engagement in relationships as this is only natural. However, if you have given no reason for them to doubt your support then their change in behavior should be noted.
When lies commonly become present in the union, there is also more cause to reason that the connection is fading. I was taken aback when I began to catch my friend lying about small things. Although I did not confront her, I was quite surprised because I could not assess the reason for her lies. I was not judgmental, nor did I have an opinion about the things she chose to lie about. Although the reasoning could be that she thought I would be disappointed, the fact that it became reoccurring when it had been once non-existent was what bothered me most. If she had trusted me enough to respect her decisions and wishes, she likely would have said she didn't want to discuss certain things rather than lie outright. The fact that she didn't feel comfortable with sharing the truth suggested there was more underlying issues with how she felt about the relationship than what I suspected.
Judgmental or harsh responses to thoughts
One of the ways a connection is sustained is through listening and attempting to understand or hold a safe space for another to share. I realized over the years that I have allowed space for others to share their truths more often than have been allowed, even in friendships. Though I can be okay with the imbalance at times, I am not supportive of one harshly judging in response to a disagreement when I have granted them the courtesy of inquiring for more information in attempts to understand. My friend never hesitated in offering judgmental responses without inquiry to my honesty when she disagreed, so I stopped discussing controversial topics altogether.
When a friend resorts to assuming or judging without attempts to ask for clarification, they are not interested in learning more about you. If those in your world wish to generalize or categorize you without taking the time to know you fully, your efforts in sustaining a connection are best utilized elsewhere. This often means they are more attached to their already established version of you than who you really are.
Disrespectful behavior
Always late to engagements, cancelled plans, or empty promises are all passive aggressive indicators that another is not considering you as a valued priority. Sometimes uncontrollable issues arise and thwart plans. However, when this consistency occurs despite apologies, there is something your friend would rather be doing. One who continues to make promises or use words that lack behavioral follow-through, is not interested in maintaining a reputable connection.
If a friend consistently delivers sarcastic comments, attacks, stonewalls, manipulates, or dumps their frustrations, they also are not mindful of your value. Though all of us likely have snapped in irritability at one point or another, being used as a dumping ground for another's frustrations is an indicator of a toxic relationship.
Lack of appreciation and encouragement
There are many ways to contribute to a friendship as we all have different love languages. Where some may give more material gifts, others provide laughter, empathy, emotional support, or intellectual insights. Regardless of the way one dominantly contributes to a relationship, if someone is not showing appreciation for your contribution it is a behavior to be wary of.
I have also noticed a large difference between friends who were encouraging and ones who do not cheer you on along your life's quest. If encouragement is one-sided or fails to exist, then your friend is likely not rooting for your personal success.
The reasons listed above are not exhaustive in defining the signs of friendship dismissal, but can be used as a guide of caution, especially when consistent and when more than one sign is present. We can also use these reasons to measure our own level of friendship. If you are a friend that has led another to believe that they are more valuable in your life than not, then it may be time for honesty and a re-evaluation of the connection so respect can surface in the union.
There are many types of friendships, but all of them must involve shared respect and consideration for the connection to remain healthy. If not, time set aside for friendships is best used in attempts to find better friends or dedicated to self-love. You should be your own best friend first, after all.
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