It is never easy to cope when you are the one being dismissed from the friendship, especially from a union you believed to be something more than it was. Sometimes, I didn’t want to be the one dismissed and at other times, if I was honest with myself, I was happy that it ended (especially when efforts to keep it alive were overwhelming). In fact, had I been more aware of how your behavior changes when you operate from a state of depravity versus when you are comfortable with yourself, I wouldn't have likely sought out many of my past friendships at all. In the past, I also mistakenly applied the same definitive premise to each friendship and tried to make some into a connection they were never meant for. So, I was blind in acknowledging that there are many different types of friendships that can benefit our lives. I discovered throughout time that maintaining a broader understanding on the complexities and varieties of connections as touched upon below can help ease the pain of friendship dismissal.
Identify friendship purpose
Sometimes friendships, despite our efforts to make them more, will never be anything but the shape and fill of their original container. What I mean by this, is that some connections will never grow deeper than where it starts. For example, a co-worker may always remain just a work friend. That one reliable person who is good to make small talk over a drink may always remain a drinking buddy. The guy next door may always be just a friendly neighbor despite a shared moment of connection. We know which connections will grow into more than the sum of their parts if the dynamic extends beyond the initial context. If the connection falls flat outside the context, don’t read more into it than what it is. If it is more and both sides are looking to nurturing the connection, it will naturally expand with ease.
Be honest about who you are
One of the things I noticed that was common in many of my diminishing connections was that the separation often occurred after I revealed more of who I was. Even though it is evident to me that I wasn’t like others in my thoughts and that I see life quite a bit differently than the majority, I never did consider that I would be rejected for it by close friends. And yet, I realized that I was not transparent in the beginning on some of my controversial stances because I was more comfortable in the position of allowing and supporting their own opinions. In the past it took me awhile to feel comfortable enough to share more of my truth because I know I am an outlier in much of my thinking. However, by the time I did share, most already had a solidified version of what they wanted me to be in their mind. So, in a sense, I violated this view by showing them that I was not as un-opinionated or was more rebellious than what they originally labeled me to be.
One may argue that it isn’t my fault they chose to see me a specific way. And I would claim yes and no to that. Because I was hesitant in making my truth known, it led to false assumptions on their part. Though the assumptions are not my fault, there were times when keeping my mouth shut would have saved me a lot of time that could have been spent on someone who actually liked me for me. The reason I do not hold back any more is because I would rather have a friendship not form at all because I was honest from the beginning than have one that is so weak that it crumbles as soon as I reveal an unfavorable opinion.
Honor the change in yourself and others
People naturally grow as we age and encounter more experiences. The kindness, laughter, and excitement that carried friendships at one time lasts in the hearts of some, where judgement and bitterness overshadow these attributes in others. With that said, sometimes people just grow in different directions to the point that the friendship cannot sustain beyond a shallow version of its former self. Although it can feel foreign to watch another completely change from someone hopeful to a person dominated by fear; someone kind to rude or manipulative; open-minded to dogmatic; or joyful to consistently irritable, we cannot know the purpose of their life journey or why it has taken the path that it has. If they simply do not share the same measure of allowance and honor that you are contributing to the relationship, then it is not a match that will likely endure unless positive changes happen. In this case, your life is better spent with someone that is on the same developmental wavelength as you.
Respect the duration
There are some connections that are only meant to last a season and not a lifetime no matter how much effort is put in sustaining the relationship. If a friendship does not contain more laughter than heartache, cannot survive minor arguments, is riddled with vagueness and confusion, toxic behaviors, or cannot last across time and distance, then letting it fade may be in your best interest, especially if you are the one investing without positive results. Despite an unavoidable ending, one can always appreciate moments shared and lessons learned. And because of this, it is never a wasted experience.
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