Are you asking or telling? If I had a quarter for the number of times I have asked this question, well I would be…yah, you get me. I always wondered why people didn't ask why more. Why do people do what they do? Why do you believe the way you do? In the past, when I have asked what the reason for behaviors, emotions, and/or feelings were, many times the response was that there is no reason or they just didn't know. Despite lack of clarity in a moment, it surprised me that many do not seek to understand themselves. Are you not even a little bit curious about who you are?
Lack of reasoning was never satisfying to me because I knew there was a cause or provocation for every behavior. Even if it was, "I just felt like I should," there is always a reason. Now, whether one is aware of what causes their action is another story.
I have found in much of my personal and professional life, that many are unaware of why they do what they do, but they don't seek a reason for the behaviors of others either. And yet, understanding why is the bridge to authentically understanding another. Otherwise, we rely on vague generalizations about others to guide how we view them. Not only does this keep us trapped in false assumptions, it does nothing but reinforce shallow processes concerning the behavior of others.
I have been exposed to the limitations of shallow reasoning mostly in my relationships with others. One of the things that thrilled me most about intimate relationships was that I was granted an opportunity to learn the essence of someone. What excitement caused the light in their eyes to shine brighter, what music did they love, why did they enjoy the hobbies they did? I loved encountering the possibility of connecting to someone in this way. However, as time passed I realized that the excitement of getting to know someone was not generally shared by the companions I became involved with.
Despite my attempts to know someone on a deeper level, I was left with dismissive or surface answers to my tell-me-who-you-are-and-what-you-represent-in-this-world questions. I really couldn't comprehend why someone wouldn't want to know who they walked beside as a comrade until I learned that people only seek to know you from the depth at which they seek to know themselves.
Error after error in assessment is continually made through failure to seek a broader understanding of those we share a world with. Not only does this happen with our stereotypes of different cultures, but it is also a large issue with respect to differing beliefs about the state of our world. Without seeking more data to support their reasoning, people claiming to represent higher-level awareness categorize and group those who do not participate in their lifestyle as lesser. Rather than seeking to understand others, we assume and then defend without clarifying the assumptions.
If we would take the time to simply understand, there are many reasons that people do what they do. Not all fall within the generalized or stereotypical assumptions. With a little more seeking to understand, we may find personal reasons involving loss, integrity, fear, or love can be a huge motivator in doing what we do. Some may operate from a state of unawareness or shallow gain but categorizing everyone in being the same without seeking understanding is a testimony to one's level of personal ignorance and not the ignorance of others. #internalcombustion #cognitivecorruption
Most of us have experienced more problems than necessary due to our detriments in reasoning. Our experiences have revealed where we made wrong assumptions about others and where they have been wrong about us, yet, we continue to apply this inadequacy across domains. Gender is one such category where people are highly off-base in their behavioral assessments. It seems the guidelines for what constitutes a 'real man' or a 'real woman' continues to alter according to personal preference.
What's even more amazing than being exposed to inaccurate definitive standards that people create for each other based on categorization is knowing who you are and then listening to someone tell you who you are based on clichés and their projected conditioning. I can't count the number of times a dating partner tried to define me based on their assumptions of women. Then, when I tried to correct them or give a personal account of what I was really like, I was seen as combative. So, what do you do with that? Okay, keep your misassumptions then I guess. If you can reach beyond the state of irritation at having someone misunderstand you, their limiting thoughts can be amusing, to say the least.
So why is it that we continue to make wrong assessments about others despite being inaccurately judged ourselves? Besides simply failing to wonder if there is more to what someone is about, many people are addicted (sometimes unconsciously) to their own beliefs. Even to the point that when we encounter evidence that someone is different, we are more likely to reject the evidence and revert to our former assessments rather than expand our knowledge-base to include any diversity, even when it can lessen confusion over time. Many are more comfortable believing a lie when the dissonance experienced from the truth challenges their perceptions. And let's face it, very few of us are okay with being wrong. Pair this with an addiction to drama, then any information that challenges one's need to be right will be twisted and reformed away from its truth to feed the solidified perception of the observer.
Despite how unhealthy it is to avoid questioning, people will not do it to avoid discord within a dynamic, especially when asking why threatens security (internally and externally). For example, if I am afraid I will lose you if I question your behavior, it is unlikely I will gain the courage to ask what I should be in order to understand you. As a result, I keep myself from understanding who the person is that I share a relationship with as well as from feeling free enough to be who I am.
Bring Me Solution
It is simple, really. Ask why more. It may not always help in getting answers, but it certainly can't hurt. Asking questions instigates expansion within the person being asked because having to validate thought and behavior assists in critical thinking and self-understanding. So, by asking questions, we are not only helping to expand our own awareness, but we are also helping another expand personal insight to who they are. We can also stop generalizing assumptions and become seekers of knowledge. Then, integrate the diversity that you discover into your life. If you observe discrepancies within one's words and deeds, ask questions about that too. Make understanding a more dominant need than acceptance. The fear of being unaccepted should not keep you from seeking the evolutionary importance of discovering broader understanding, even within yourself.
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